Maybe it’s because we are on the brink of the holidays. Or perhaps it’s because the pile of work I have rivals the trash piles left over from the most amazing #Chicagocubs World Series celebration. (Some days I do just think about going that route and throwing the whole pile of papers away.) Or maybe it’s because I have a stubborn two-year-old at home. But I’m tired.
I always knew that being a mom and working would be difficult, but so many women do it, so why couldn’t I? But some days I honestly don’t know how they do it. I feel like I am not really doing justice to either. And not doing well has always made me crabby. It’s the perfectionist in me that fears the creeping in of failure. Teaching is hard enough, but teaching with two children under 2 and half at home is definitely a challenge no one could prepare a person for. Forget doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, putting clothes away or just about anything else during the week. Sometimes they don’t even get done on the weekend. Lately, I have fallen asleep on the couch around 8:30 each night – following the nodding heads of my two babes. And when that happens, when no school work gets done during the week, then my weekends become endless marathons of grading, that is when I’m not in between games of hide-and-go-seek, rocking my 6 month old to sleep, and trying to toilet train a two-year old. I keep thinking it will get easier, but it doesn’t seem to be. And now that it is getting cooler out, the nights beckon me away, tempting me into their crisp(ish) night air and dusty rose sunsets instead of sitting inside doing what I should be doing.
It’s nothing like fall back in the midwest or out east, but at least it’s not 90 at night any more. I just want to be able to play and enjoy my children without feeling like there are millions of other things (important things) that I am not doing. I’m just tired. My heart longs more and more for weekends like this. And the joy that this mom has in her two littles. And I know these ladies live full, busy, and difficult lives too. I am in no way trying to take away from their own struggles. Maybe it only looks so appealing because on social media our lives always look so put-together, and often like the instragram pics we post each day, filtered.
It has also gotten harder to leave every day as Charlotte has become more verbal. Each morning when I tell her I am off to work, it is met with, “No, mommy, stay home me,” and “No, miss you.” I miss you too, Pip. And brotherboy too. But the truth is that I don’t really realize that until I am leaving school at the end of the day. I don’t even think about them that much during school because I am so busy trying to manage everything else. I truly don’t say all of this to complain. It just is a phase of life, I know. This too shall pass is what I keep hearing. I am just hoping that not too many of the moments I want to experience will pass by without me.
However, since my goal this year is to be happier and less complain-y. I will end on a happy note. I made it through Costco, by myself, with both children sitting up front together, on a Sunday, during the holidays, without tears or screams from anyone (including me). Any parent with children knows what an accomplishment this is. Boo-ya. Here is evidence.