Stay At Home Adventures

Friday brought the last day of school, and with that came my last day of teaching….ever. Okay, probably not ever. But it feels like that right now. Right now the full implications of our decision to have me stay home haven’t really hit me. I feel it at moments, but right now it just feels like summer break as usual.

But this summer break is different because it won’t end for me. There won’t be any prepping for classes, readying my classroom, buying new school supplies, and smelling all the new school books (wait? what? I don’t do that…) this fall. And I don’t know how I feel about that yet. Some moments this feels so sad. I love teaching, and I feel like most days I’m good at it. But with a third baby on the way, staying home with our own children feels like the right decision right now. They need me.

So this is a time that I simultaneously feel full of fear, but also of excitement over the potential of what this life brings, a life I have literally never lived. I have been in school (taking classes or teaching them) since I was 5. That’s the only world I know.

So this is untrodden ground for me. I know I know I’ll need help. That’s why we are moving closer to our family. But I also need help from all my friends. Don’t forget me. Don’t stop messaging me and contacting me just because I’ll be far away. I need you for your love and support and for the normalcy I will seek when day and day of small children starts to make me feel insane.

And since I am a type A personality, constantly consumed with lists and tasks, I of course have oodles of ideas of what I am going to do with all my time (you know, in between diaper changes, trips to the parks and finding new play-group friends). Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that staying home with children is time and energy consuming, but living a dual-life as teacher and mom/wife has had my head spinning for a while now, so just doing one seems gads easier. Here are a few things I am thinking of tackling while at home (besides actually getting laundry and dishes done in a timely manner):

  • Reading: I have so little time to read just for pleasure while I am teaching that I can’t wait to get back into the wonderful worlds that those pages bring. I’m also hoping that this will ignite the creative person that I know lives inside me, and will bring on some ideas for a book of my own.
  • Baking: I am going to be honest – baking scares me. Mostly because of *shudders* chemistry. Perhaps blame it on my scary chem teacher in high school, but the chemical precision baking takes is overwhelming. But I am planning on tackling that beast and learning how to make breads, and pastries. Or maybe I’ll just keep the Great British Baking Show on repeat and trick myself into thinking I’ll be a baker one day too.
  • Cooking: I am separating this from baking because I actually CAN cook already (although Dean hasn’t seen my amazing skills in quite a while). But I want to learn some new recipes and learn how to make more things myself and buy less of them (like making our own hummus and a good spaghetti sauce from scratch). What are some other things that should be list of things to make? Favorite recipes you have?
  • Knitting/Crocheting: I did know how to crochet at one point, but it is something I haven’t done in years. I would like to revive this little crafty art (or learn a new one).
  • Learning the Uke:  Having played the piano when I was younger, I know the value of learning an instrument. I would love to have some music time with the kiddos each day, and have them grow in their appreciation for making their own music. We don’t have a piano, and my child-sized hands cannot reach the cords on a guitar, so learning to play the Ukulele seems like a good compromise.
  • Finding some good podcasts:  I think this will help me feel like I am still growing intellectually and that I’m still connected to the outside world and to the Word. I want to avoid having the TV as much as possible, but I know that mommy will need more to listen to than three small people whining at her feet. What are some podcasts you swear by?

 

  • Staying Connected:  like for realz. Not only will I be livin’ that glam SAHM life where my life is sure to dwindle into the small box that will be our home, but we are also moving 1800 miles away. I love the people I met here in Arizona, and I want to do my best to stay connected to them through means other than social media. I want to spend time each week writing a few snail-mail notes to friends I have all over the country.

Stay-at-Home friends, what else should I look forward to or put on my list of things to do to keep me sane? Give me all your wisdom.IMG_5288

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Trading Happiness for Joy

At the beginning of the school year, our headmaster asked everyone to write a personal professional goal. I’m sure many focused on classroom management, lesson planning, sequencing or myriad of other teacher-related professional goals. But me? Mine was simple – and utterly difficult. A goal people work at their whole lives. Mine was – Be Happy. Yes, be happy. Two small words that pack so much punch, while simultaneously leaving you saying, “whatever that means….” For me – a person who tends to be overly critical, perfectionistic, ever self-improving and what I often call “realistic” (which is really code for a less dramatic pessimist) – being happy meant being more flexible, relaxed, open, and able to let things go in my life. It also meant enjoying my family and students as more than little vessels that I can task-master around. And when I made this goal in August, a small nagging little voice in my head said, “are you sure? When you make goals like this God often tests you.” I rolled my eyes.

And so the year began  – with eye rolling, just what every truly happy person does. But really it started off well. My class this year is great. They are fun, excited about learning, easy and perfect for me because they are so task-oriented. Truly, I give them a task or directions and they get right to it (well most of them because you know….there are always those few….). I have never felt calmer or more at ease with myself. I have laughed – really laughed – with them this year, and been sillier than I have been with other classes. I have invested in getting to know them and introducing them to my family. We have a mutual love and respect for each other. Maybe year six of teaching does that to you. Or maybe they are special. Or maybe being a mom has made me more comfortable in my own skin. Whatever the reason – I have never felt happier. “Be happy!,” I excitedly exclaimed.

And then as the school year continued and Britton and Charlotte grew, we started to really seriously talk about moving. Just when I was starting to feel happy, I had to work through all of the emotions of leaving a place that has helped me grow up. I now felt nervous, sad, anxious, happy all at once. I also felt like I might be losing my identity by becoming a stay-at-home mom. I’ve always worked, always been doing school, who would I be now? The more I worked through it though, the more I realized maybe I could be happy doing that was well. I wasn’t sure yet, but I just kept chanting, “be happy, be happy,” hoping that my Dory-like attitude would make it come true.

But that little voice in August was right. And it recently emerged full-force, hand on hip, three snaps in the air finger wagging, and said in it’s sassiest voice, “I told you so. I told you, you would be tested. You didn’t listen.” or maybe life just happened. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

On February 27th, our sitter told us she could no longer watch our kids effective March 1. The next day would be her last. All her reasons for leaving only made us more upset. So I panicked and did what every person in the history of the entire world has done when things aren’t going well – I called my mom. And she re-arranged her life to fly out on Wednesday and watch the kids for a week or so, while we scrambled to find a permanent arrangement. But all we found were waiting lists, prices we couldn’t hope to afford, and dead ends. In fact, we are still searching for somewhere for them to go. And I attempted to whisper into a tear-stained pillow  – be happy.

Then the following week, my fourth grade team and I underwent some major changes. This change required re-arranging teachers, adding responsibilities, and asking what seemed like endless questions. And so through rather gritted teeth, I grumbled “be happy.” But I didn’t feel happy.

Then I started thinking. None of these situations are happy ones – frustrating? Yes. frightening? Yes. Sad? Yes. Emotionally draining? Yes. But happy? No. And the more I tried to be happy the faker I felt. Happiness seems to cause us to deny our true situations, to mask over the reality of what we feel, to put on a smile and nod “fine” when we are really dying inside.

I realized maybe happiness was the wrong goal. Maybe I should have been attempting to find joy. God-filled joy, which acknowledges the hardship of one’s circumstances, but also turns your eyes back up to the heavens, and helps you to say, ” Everything seems bad, but God is still good.” It doesn’t put a smiling mask on your face, disguising the realness of life; instead, it gently tilts your chin up to help you see beyond the dust and dirt at your feet, to see the life that still exists. It lifts us out of the mire we feel stuck in, and helps us to say, “Lord, I trust you.”

Joy is realizing that although you need a shoulder to lean on or even to cry on, that you are lucky to have so many friends who have lovingly outstretched their arms to you, attempting to safeguard you from a small part of the storm.

Joy may not be loud. It may not be had with jumping or skipping or a sprawling smile. In fact, it is often just a “small and broken hallelujah.” But it is also deeper than happiness. It is deeper than happiness because it reveals more than it masks. It is deeper because it is from God, who acknowledges our sufferings, but loves us through them. He even calls us to rejoice in them.

I know that happiness will return one day, but right now I will keep working on finding joy.

And so this song has become my new mantra:

Although we are weeping
Lord, help us keep sowing
The seeds of Your Kingdom
For the day You will reap them
Your sheaves we will carry
Lord, please do not tarry
All those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy

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Three of my biggest reasons to have joy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home

What is home? Or a home? It is more than the house we live in, but it can be and is also that. It has something to do with the people we are around, even if they aren’t ones that live in our house. After we moved out to Arizona, I was confused about where “home” was. This weird mars-like habitation wasn’t home – I didn’t know anyone, and I didn’t even know where I was going half the time. I still mostly thought of my parent’s house as “home,” although I hadn’t lived there in years. Slowly, over many years, Arizona has become home. It became a place full of community: church, school, work, friends who connect you people that eventually become your friends. It took time to make those connections, to build relationships, and frankly, to get used to the extreme weather before I started to think of Phoenix as home.

But now, it is time to return to our original home. Living 1800 miles away from family can be difficult, and with two little ones, it is even harder. We want them to grow up near their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. So we have decided it is time to uproot again – or rather to reroot ourselves back where we started. We are looking to move at the end of May, so that means this will be my last year at Archway Veritas. Actually, it will be my last year teaching for a while. I will be taking some time to be a Stay-At-Home Mom (uhm hellz yeah, I capitalized that title because it is legit job as well as a vocation), a task I am nervous about, but also so so so excited for. We are so happy to be moving closer to our community of family.

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But like all things of this nature, it is also sad. I am sad to leave a place that I have come, through time, to find enchanting and beautiful. But more so, I am sad to leave my job at Archway because it is full of people and ideas that I love and cherish. My co-workers are not just my colleagues, they are my friends. Our work environment is built on real mutual respect and appreciation for each other. It is unlike any place I have ever worked, and probably ever will. It is a place that has helped me grow up, gain confidence, gain compassion, and like any place that truly impacts us, to lose a little bit of my heart to it along the way. I can only hope I will find even a semblance of this wonderful group of people when we move back to Chicago. Thank you, to all of my friends who work at and have worked at Archway Veritas. I truly cannot put into words how I feel at losing the ability to just be around you each day. I am also sad that Charlotte and Britton will not get to learn at this school, and be taught by those that have taught me so much. Thank you for what you have given me.

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P.S. (because my junior high self would die if I didn’t): Dean has not officially transferred with State Farm, so the details of when and where we are moving haven’t been settled yet

My Classroom Tour.

So that’s a pretty old picture of Charlotte in my classroom, but it’s too cute not to share.

While I don’t write often (due to the fact that I work a whole bunch and have two small monsters at home), what I have written about mostly pertains to my “home” life. But a major part of my life has been teaching. This is my sixth year of teaching, in fact. For those of you who don’t know me – I graduated from Hillsdale College with an English major, French minor, and a certificate in Elementary Education from the state of Michigan. I then took my first teaching job at Great Hearts in Phoenix, Arizona, and I have loved it. Although I want to share my journey to being a sixth year teacher at Great Hearts, right now I thought it would be fun to just give you a cursory tour of my school and classroom! I love visiting classrooms because, like a home, they say so much about you: what you like, what is important to you and how you organize yourself. I have spent waaaaaaayy too much time and money on my classroom, but only because I realized – somewhere along the way- that I spend more waking hours of my day  in that room than I do at home. So I might as well love being there.

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This building was once a Motorola office, but it makes for a good school too!

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This is the walkway up to the front of the school. Isn’t it so inviting?

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This is the playground, which you walk past you enter the school. Not a bad view, ammiright? *Side note – the playground grass starts off a lush green, but looks like this less than half-way through the year. That’s what happens when 500 kids run on desert grass every day.

One thing I love about my school is that it doesn’t look like your typical elementary school. The walls are covered with canvases of classical paintings, and beautiful artwork from the students (thanks to the amazing Elizabeth Burch). Even the library isn’t your primary- colors-are-for-primary -school toting space.

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Zis is zee famous art wall. Most of the time I just ogle it because #truelife kindergarteners be painting better than me.

Now down to my classroom (because uhm isn’t that what you’ve really been waiting for). Outside each room we have a bulletin board that we get to  have to decorate.

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The Fourth Graders memorize ALL of “Paul Revere’s Ride.” That would be 126 lines of poetry. What did you do as a fourth grader? #lifegoals

Now won’t you come on in?

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Ah, there is nothing like the excitement of going to school!!

I pride myself on being organized, which usually involves lots of baskets and bins (read: endless trips to Target and Homegoods) so that every THING has it’s own place and space. I want my classroom to be set up in a way that the fourth graders can manage much of it on their own. Need scissors? gluesticks? Tissues? – you know where they are. Teachers make so many decisions and answer so many questions every day, and I don’t want those menial things to be the questions that use up all my energy for the day. The more I’ve taught, the more I’ve given over to the students because they are capable, and I want them to feel capable of taking care of some of their own little problems.

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Paper towels, tissues, and lysol wipes are stored in the wooden crates (I stained them). White boards were cut from this at Home Depot. They will cut them there for you in 1 ft. by 1 ft. squares. This gives you 32 individual white boards for under $15. I have found that they hold up pretty well for a very cheap investment. I used these bins from Target to hide away games or other supplies that I don’t want sitting out.

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I LOVE this cart from IKEA. It has really helped my keep my own teacher things organized for each lesson.

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I use this bamboo organizer tray to keep everything for protractors, to extra pencils, to stamps in. These colored masons jars {similar} store extra scissors and pencils that need to be sharpened. This Cynthia Rowley home 6-bin caddy helps keep all those highlighters organized. I picked mine up from Marshalls, so it was hard to locate this exact one to show you, but this one and this one are similar.

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I love using mason jars to store pens and colored pencils. They are pretty and functional!

As you move around the room to the right you will see:

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I bought this file cabinet from Goodwill, painted it up, and put new handles on it. The paper bin you can get here from Target. The basket is from Joanne’s {smaller version here}. And in the basket are small blanket squares and pillows that the kids use when we do free reading (it gives them a defined space).

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I used these cubbies from IKEA to create a classroom library. The only problem is that they don’t work well for chapter books, so enter in these bins. It makes looking through books a lot easier too and better utilizes the space.

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I keep extra books (usually curricular related) in the larger grey and white  bins that way I can rotate books and freshen up our library selection each quarter. A paper tray {similar and similar}  works great for extra copies (then the kids can find their own when they lose the one you know you gave them).

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The laundry hamper {similar idea here} doubles as a ball storage space. Hooray for pretty ways to store ugly things.

Also, this is my view outside of my classroom. Can’t. Be. Beat.

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And on the other side of the room:

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I decided to lower the table this year because I love sitting on the floor to work, so I figured some kids might like that too. It’s been a hit.

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I loved these bins for my Reading A to Z books (these are books that you print out-with a membership- from the Reading A-Z company. They make great little readers to use in reading groups) because I could easily label what was in each one. On the smaller shelf: small bins of alphabet stamps that the kids use during #daily5 time to practice their spelling words. On top: the white canister houses glue sticks, and a ramekin houses extra erasers.

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Other small details:

I use this stapler and these scissors because beautiful things make me happy. I also use this organizer to file the students graded work. #target, you really are a gem… and also a fiend because you so often seduce me with your beautiful things and then take all my money.

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I love that could personalize the color scheme! I have plans to make more with other backgrounds and colors if you are interested. FYI: you can use dry erase markers on glass!

This is a calendar I made from paint chips, extra fabric and cheap frame from Goodwill. I keep it in a place where the kids can see what is coming up. This helps alleviate many worries and extra questions.

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These are the classroom rules I came up with this year. I wanted something more specific than just abstract expectations. It has worked out pretty well. As a class (I’m including myself here), we have really practiced failing and having mistakes this year with the view that we learn so much from those moments of failure.

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A closer look at the job chart I made. I just used large ribbon, velcro (the labels are velcroed on so that you could change them if you wanted to trade out a job one year), labels, cardstock, contact paper, and jumbo chalkboard clothes pins. The clothes pins I wipe off and use year after year (*claps for saving money*).

My objective with classroom jobs is to get stuff DONE (some teachers use it to help build responsibility). Because my objective is aimed at efficiency, I randomly pull clothes pins and let the students choose their jobs. I have found that this more effective in actually getting the desired task completed (who would have thunk that having a choice in what you do actually motivates you to do it…).

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This little bin (I don’t know why, but it will only pull it up on the U.K. IKEA site) from Ikea was dolled up. I based mine off of this DIY, but there are TONS of other ways to jujj…tszuj.. it up. It functions as a place to keep the extra job board clothes pins and also as a library catalog system.

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I also use a small glass trinket box and another Ikea bin (see above links) to help keep things on my desk organized because getting out tons of papers clip (a task a do a thousand times a day) is oh so much more enjoyable when you get to open this tiny little treasure chest.

I hope you enjoyed visiting my classroom and maybe it even sparked some at-home organization ideas!

 

Raising an Adventurer

I think most of us would say that we want our children to grow up and live as full or fuller life than we did. As we approach a new year, many of us look back on the last year(s) and reflect on what we would change. For many this means more time with family, more travel, trying new things etc. I can at least say that it is true for myself. I wish I had taken more time before getting married and having children to travel and see the world. Much of that is put on hold right now because well…planes and babies….let’s just say that there thousands of better combinations of things in the world. We still go places with them, but not as far or as often as I would like.

For now we have learned to adventure from where we are, and somehow God gave me this rambunctious, ever moving, ever opinionating [not a word, I know. But it fits], ever willing -the-universe-to-happen little girl. Charlotte is exactly like me in so many ways. In truth, that fact is simultaneously humbling and frustrating. To meet your most annoying qualities intensified in two-year old form is an every day sanctifying process. I think that is why God gives us children sometimes.

At the same time, Charlotte is NOTHING like me (or Dean for that matter). She is more like both of our siblings. My sister Paula has traveled to places I never thought of going, and is currently doing missions work for Seeds of Hope in Costa Rica. Dean’s brother Curt, who is a marine, is always off to somewhere: out with friends, going back to school, on a three-week trip to Europe. And Charlotte, she is like them: outgoing, and fearless. The child leaps from the couch, bounding from chair to ottoman without a care in the world. She climbs to the top of the playground as if she were a 5 year old. I don’t think she has ever thought of herself as her actual age; she truly believes she can do whatever all the other, older children are doing.img_4070

But I think I needed that in my life. I needed a child who, when she first laid eyes on Camelback Mountain close up, stated with utmost certainty, “I climb that.” I needed a child who wants to get dirty and play in the rain even if she is in her favorite Elsa dress. I needed a child who spontaneously decided that the only right way to drink hot chocolate was in the cold, so upon her prompting we sat out in the carport in the damp, chilliness of the night. I need that. I need it because it ignites the adventurer inside of me that often gets too scared to really do what I want. I need it because sometimes I feel silly doing spontaneous things. I need it because it pushes me to become better.  I just hope that she does not lose her sense of adventure as she grows up and encounters the nay-sayers of the world. I pray I don’t become one of those nay-sayers. And I hope I am a parent who sees the beauty in her drive and spirit (and Britton’s too, if that is how God has made him) and not just its potential danger.img_4391img_4393

A Look Back at Christmas: A Gift Guide

Gift guides are usually most helpful right BEFORE Christmas, but sometimes what I thought would be doted upon or well-used is, instead, tossed to the side three seconds after it is opened. For this reason, I thought I would share some of the gifts we received that I thought were really worth it.

I will also preface this by saying that I have a thing for wooden toys. They are usually more durable than plastic, they rarely light up or make hideous noises, and they are generally more aesthetically pleasing than plastic toys – a seemingly trivial but highly important characteristic if you live in small house where your living room IS your playroom.

  1. Moulin Roty Doctor Valise (that’s French for “traveling case”) – this is such a cute set! Charlotte loves to play doctor (we practiced a lot before she went for her one year appointment where she got shots), so I wanted to get her a set of her own to pretend with at home. The plastic sets often have dozens of pieces. This one has about 6, so you are less likely to lose one. [side note: I say LESS likely to lose them. There is a syringe that goes with the set that I couldn’t find at the time of taking these pictures. Don’t worry, it has since been found]. The box that houses these adorable items, it also itself ADORABLE. I grabbed ours from Anthropologie on Black Friday for 30% off, but I don’t know if they still carry it. img_4354img_4352img_4347
  2.  Melissa and Doug Road Trip Wooden Car with People – If you haven’t heard of Melissa and Doug products, you are missing out! They have really cute sets for all ages, and a lot of their toys are wooden, well-made and even handcrafted. These people are neutral enough (and come with a car!) that both girls and boys could play with them. They have been zooming all over our house since Christmas.img_4364img_4365
  3. Wooden Blocks – These also happen to be Melissa and Doug brand, but there are others out there as well. I think blocks are such an important toy for kids because they teach fine motor skills, logically reasoning, imaginative play, visual-spatial reasoning, and so much more. Can anyone say #futureengineer?img_4358
  4.  Personalized fork and spoon set – Someone first gave me a set of these for Britton when I was pregnant, and then Charlotte wanted them so badly that I had to hide them. So I decided to get her her own set for Christmas. And then…she would not part with them. No seriously, the girl took them to bed with her to sleep with. It gives a whole new meaning to “spooning”…. Anyway, they make a great birthday, Christmas, or baby gift because they are one of those items that eventually becomes an heirloom. I got the kids different styles so they could tell theirs apart.img_4373img_4376
  5. Jord Wooden Watch – This is for the mommy’s and daddy’s out there. We gots to have some nice things too! Or as Tom and Donna from Parks and Rec would say, “Treat yo’self.” And this watch is definitely a treat. Just feast your eyes.  [Side note: I have Hannah to thank for first posting about this watch. So thank you Hannah; I have been drooling over them ever since.]img_4346img_4357img_4345

What were your best gifts from this Christmas (or from Christmas pasts)?

 

Mr. Hanky: The Christmas (poo) Story

No. Sorry to disappoint. This isn’t actually about that famous singing poop from South Park. It just an update about the poop we’ve sung over on our best days or been wearing as a literal eau de toilette on our worst. Also never in my life did I think I would be writing one, let alone two blog posts on dropping doo-doos. I promise more goes on in my life.

If you aren’t caught up on the situation we are/were in, you can read all about that here. Yeah I’d start there.

Britton: His situation is in many ways, unchanged. We have played around with giving him one larger dose of the medicine or two small doses. We even went off the medicine for a few days, which definitely seemed to be worse. The medicine seems to be helping. Sometimes. Although now our problem is that when he DOES go, it’s uhm, welll….is projectile enough of a description? Yeah what went in as a liquid is definitely coming out the same way. So…I guess that’s better than it was before? So now, my already heavy laundry load is even heavier than it was before. And that is only because after coming across videos like this on Facebook, I force myself to clean those especially bad “poop shot up the whole back” clothing items instead of throwing them away like so much of me wants to. And in between all of that, I also spent almost a week playing phone tag with the GI doctor and his team trying to get them to give me some helpful next steps. Teaching is not the business you want to be in if you need to make or receive phone calls at a moment’s notice. img_4058

Charlotte: You know those “I am woman. Hear me Roar” ad campaigns and slogans? Well, Charlotte is like the keynote speaker of their rallies. When the girl decides to do something…watch out world. It took about 4 days of coaxing using the Elsa nightgown we picked up for a buck as bait. And the game was on. She was not allowed to wear her Elsa pajamas or any of her others dresses if she went number 2 in her pants. And she did get them all taken away for about two days, but then that dress became too precious to not wear anymore and voila! But then we had to deal with the unintended consequence of her not taking off that dress for like a week straight. Yeah, I became that parent that let my kid go places in their pajamas. I’m not ashamed. She now gets things all set up by herself: stool, potty seat on the toilet, book. The girl knows how to do it. Too well now. She is playing us. You see, we also offered something potentially more desirable than her Elsa dress; we offered candy. So now the girl HOLDS IT and goes poop in the tiniest of increments in order to get as many candies as possible. Today, I had to stop it at about 4 candies, and we had to up the ante to getting candy for only big poo-poos.

 

So that’s where we are now. Not quite so far down in the trenches as we were before. Climbing on out of the hole- no pun intended- is my hope.

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See, we do do other things. Pun intended there.

Merry Christmas.

 

When Life’s the Dumps

My life is sh*t right now.

No, I mean literally my entire life seems to revolve around good ole number 2 at this moment.

You see, my two year old is pretty much potty-trained number 1, but REFUSES to go number two in the toilet. Instead she insists upon pretending that once she creeps behind the chair she loves to use as a hiding place, she becomes invisible. And not just her person becomes invisible, but the nasty little smells she creates back there also become magically…invisible. And if you ask her what she’s doing back there, she just screams, “NOO” as if she is in denial of what she is doing or how she intentionally sought out her designated poop corner. (Side note, there was a whole pile of books behind this chair, and I said to her, “why are all these books back here?” Her response was, “poopoo.” So yeah, she has her own little magazine rack of sorts for the “work” she does back there). Yet, she trots off to the bathroom of her own volition when she has to tinkle, shouting at me the whole time that she do it, “myself” and that I must, “tose the door” for her in order to give her two-year-old self some much needed privacy. If only she’d be so dedicated to letting mommy get a moment of privacy for such things as well.

To add to this mess, when she does drop a turd in her undies, she now tries to clean it herself….okay, let me back-track. I am an organizing freak, and may have insisted upon teaching my child, starting at a very young age – like a year old-, that one must always clean up after one’s self, and then I have reinforced this with vigilance….anyway, back to the story…so my two-year old tries to wipe herself of all her nastiness when she does do a poopy in her panties, which, though it may seem helpful, is definitely not. Just picture…okay don’t. Nevermind. I take it back, don’t picture it. I think you probably get what happens.

As if this weren’t enough to deal with, my eight-month old CAN’T poop. Yes, I have one that won’t and one that can’t. It’s lovely around here. We started noticing some digestion issues a while ago and have been on a roller coaster of trial and error solutions to fix whatever the issue actually is. I stopped breastfeeding when he was around 4 months old, but it seemed to be an issue then as well. Since then, we have spent hundreds of dollars on different formulas: different brands of gentle formulas, nutramigen (which is basically super broken down proteins), all whey formulas, all soy formulas. It’s been like a buffet of formulas around here. I’ve also done tummy massages and essential oils, which makes it feel like we’re running some baby massage parlor. From there we added reflux medication because he would spit up so much, and you know from mouth to bottom – it’s all connected. None of this really helped (okay, well the reflux medicine DOES help his spitting up issues). In desperation I have also bought these on repeat. It is as disgusting as it seems, but is also the only thing that helps sometimes. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Recently we sought out a GI doctor at Phoenix Children’s Hospital. He had us start him on a laxative-type medicine, but also warned us it could get worse. And it has. Like not pooping for almost two days worse, and waking up each day somewhere between 2-4am wiggling and kicking with tummy pain kind of worse. Britton sleeps worse now than he did when he was a newborn. So I called back yesterday to see what the next steps are. img_3999

So that’s where we are in life right now. Knee deep in poop and sleep deprived on top of that. So if you are thinking of sending us Christmas presents, perhaps make it packs of wipes, cans of Frebreeze, and coffee. Lots of coffee. Because God knows that is the only way we are surviving right now.

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A phase of life.

Maybe it’s because we are on the brink of the holidays. Or perhaps it’s because the pile of work I have rivals the trash piles left over from the most amazing #Chicagocubs World Series celebration. (Some days I do just think about going that route and throwing the whole pile of papers away.) Or maybe it’s because I have a stubborn two-year-old at home. But I’m tired.

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This is only half the pile I have to grade. I feel tired just looking at it.

I always knew that being a mom and working would be difficult, but so many women do it, so why couldn’t I? But some days I honestly don’t know how they do it. I feel like I am not really doing justice to either. And not doing well has always made me crabby. It’s the perfectionist in me that fears the creeping in of failure. Teaching is hard enough, but teaching with two children under 2 and half at home is definitely a challenge no one could prepare a person for. Forget doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, putting clothes away or just about anything else during the week. Sometimes they don’t even get done on the weekend. Lately, I have fallen asleep on the couch around 8:30 each night – following the nodding heads of my two babes. And when that happens, when no school work gets done during the week, then my weekends become endless marathons of grading, that is when I’m not in between games of hide-and-go-seek, rocking my 6 month old to sleep, and trying to toilet train a two-year old. I keep thinking it will get easier, but it doesn’t seem to be. And now that it is getting cooler out, the nights beckon me away, tempting me into their crisp(ish) night air and dusty rose sunsets instead of sitting inside doing what I should be doing.

It’s nothing like fall back in the midwest or out east, but at least it’s not 90 at night any more. I just want to be able to play and enjoy my children without feeling like there are millions of other things (important things) that I am not doing. I’m just tired. My heart longs more and more for  weekends like this. And the joy that this mom has in her two littles. And I know these ladies live full, busy, and difficult lives too. I am in no way trying to take away from their own struggles. Maybe it only looks so appealing because on social media our lives always look so put-together, and often like the instragram pics we post each day, filtered.

It has also gotten harder to leave every day as Charlotte has become more verbal. Each morning when I tell her I am off to work, it is met with, “No, mommy, stay home me,” and “No, miss you.” I miss you too, Pip. And brotherboy too. img_3850But the truth is that I don’t really realize that until I am leaving school at the end of the day. I don’t even think about them that much during school because I am so busy trying to manage everything else. I truly don’t say all of this to complain. It just is a phase of life, I know. This too shall pass is what I keep hearing. I am just hoping that not too many of the moments I want to experience will pass by without me.

However, since my goal this year is to be happier and less complain-y. I will end on a happy note. I made it through Costco, by myself, with both children sitting up front together, on a Sunday, during the holidays, without tears or screams from anyone (including me).  Any parent with children knows what an accomplishment this is. Boo-ya. Here is evidence. img_3870

Fields of grass and perfect skies

So many thanks to my friend and high school acquaintance, Cadence McCarrel (I wish we had known each other better in high school) for these BEAUTIFUL family photos. You found us the loveliest location to transport us back to those rolling hills and grassy prairies we grew up in. Cadence McCarrel, you are truly wonderful. She even came with treats ready for troublesome two-year olds, and lots of praise and encouragement. Check her out!

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